đ "Iâm an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, and cash."â Erika Jayne. đ
Back in the early 00s, girlhood was this endless maze
that left me with much (and I mean MUCH) to be desired. The closest thing I had to a male role model was that lunkhead basketball man from High School Musical, or maybe, I guess, you could say that Vin Diesel in The Pacifier could be considered a part of my gender queer tapestry â I mean câmon, have you SEEN those pecks? AWOOGA! Like you gotta be kidding me, who WOULDNâT want to look up #FTM testosterone transformation timelines on the internet unsupervised for the next decade? Iâm not alone here, am I?
In all honesty, I didnât really have a grasp on what gender non-conformity looked like until that fateful day I first listened to You and I by Lady Gaga (specifically this performance at the VMAS in 2011, if you know you know). Middle school was, whether I knew it or not at the time, an integral stage of my coming out process â coming to terms with this messy and confusing thing to myself was probably the hardest part. It didnât take too long after that denial phase to explore my attraction to women (if you count senior year of high school as not too long). I mean, my hormones alone back then were seriously outrageous â I canât even BEGIN to explain the amount of âgirls kissingâ YouTube searches you would have found on my mini HP laptop in 2010.
It took me a few more years after seeing shows like Orange Is The New Black and reruns of The L Word for the first time to fully come to terms with my gender identity. It wasnât really until I started college that I truly let myself embrace my authentic
selfâ except for the time when I was sixteen and I came to school dressed like a f*cking gay greaser that was going to a k.d lang concert in 1993. I kid you not, I seriously used a deck of playing cards rolled up in my sleeve to make myself look tougher, like Jesus, â 2015 was a time to be alive, I tell ya. â
I think being open about liking girls was something I knew I could try to navigate being âoutâ about, but BEING TRANS? â that was something different entirely. The wall I had built up was starting to get cracks and I knew something had to change. I still donât really open up that side of myself completely to the ones I love. Sometimes itâs just easier to put off that top surgery research for another life or keep my given name in peopleâs minds for a few more years â I know leading this sort of double life isnât sustainable long-term, but I still have hope that one day I'll be as adventurous and daring as the âicons of cinemaâ Iâve constructed as role models in my head.
In a world of chaos and uncertainty, filled with both homophobia and transphobia, I find myself escaping into the world of film for gender inspirationâŚand safety. If not to at least explore the limitless bounds of my non-binary existence, films can be a space to define the inner religions we write â the rules we reject and the ones we follow. Thereâs nothing more complicated to explain than the trans gaze when it comes to film theory because every trans personâs relationship to their gender is different. Actually, Iâd go so far as to say that the gendered experience of cis people is probably more complex than weâd like to acknowledge. Itâs nobodies place to say what people can and canât enjoy in their comfort media, but I think the collection of stories we often find ourselves gravitating to might be more telling of our inner world than anything we do in our daily lives.
Trans Identities Represented in Film
Every once in a whileâ an iconic, cinematically unparalleled, TRANSCENDENT film will come along that changes the landscape of queer representation in film.
âTo be free, one must give up a part of oneself.â
When you think of trans characters in film, what comes to mind? Humiliating scenes where âtrue identities are uncoveredâ â think of Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult or Soap Dish? Maybe youâre a cult classic fan, does The Rocky Horror Picture Show and To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar ring a bell? For most film buffs, more tragic and award winning
films like Boys Donât Cry or Dallas Buyers Club might be their point of reference â although, I really hope Jared Letoâs âperformance?â doesnât come to mind, oh dear, can we forget that ever happened? k thanks!
When I think about films that center trans characters and reflect the trans experience, Hedwig and The Angry Inch (2001) (clip seen above) definitely
comes to mind. Itâs one of these ârare gemsâ that I speak of â Writer, Director, and Star of the stage and screen, John Cameron Mitchell is TRULY a one in a million talent in my eyes. Seeing this at the ripe age of 14 during my freshman year of high school wasâŚabsolutely life changing to say the least. At the time, I heard about it from one of my favorite YouTubers and fashion bloggers, Lauren Rose*, someone who got me interested in directors like Gregg Araki and a multitude of other incredible filmmakers.
*she has since ended her time in the public eye, BUT you CAN find her podcasts on SoundCloud if youâre interested in checking out a totally rad mega babe
with great film recommendations and music taste.
Queer movies have this way of touching you in ways that you never could have imagined. Art always has this ability, but seeing yourself in characters like Hedwig often do more for your inner world than youâd expect. I know that tired old saying that goes like, ya know, âyou canât BE what you canât SEEâ or something like that? â it can kinda get a little repetitive these days, but in all actuality, it isnât too far off from the reality of the trans experience in my opinion. As much as actresses like Pose star MJ Rodriguez and OITNBâs Laverne Cox*, as well as, actors like Brian Michael Smith and Elliot Paige are breaking down barriers, sharing their stories, and given explicitly trans role opportunities in television, there is SO much more work to be done. Seeing characters you can relate to on screen really makes a difference. There is an undeniable, gaping hole
in the media landscape for gender queer representation. No matter their impact, I just donât feel that TV personalities like Jonathan Van Ness and the always controversial RuPaul Charles are enough to fill it this void. While Iâm beginning to accept that TV representation has begun to replace the need for life-changing cinema, I still hold out hope that trans stories will begin to be told in more mainstream ways.
We donât have like the Will & Grace coast-to-coast type queer representation for trans culture and I think itâs about time everyone in America has at least one genuinely good point of reference â not to mention the individuals themselves having someone other than a side character in a quickly cancelled streaming service fantasy show. As a result, people begin to adopt non-explicitly trans characters as their own â giving them the queer context that they otherwise were never allowed to explore.
As much as we technically have the ability
to see ourselves in these tiny, corporate produced slivers of representation this day in age, seeing FULLY fledged out characters that are explicitly trans or queer is just something I donât think can be fully understood unless youâre in a trans personâs shoes. As they try to navigate the Neo-Puritanical landscape of America in 2022, building worlds in their bedrooms, illuminated by laptop screens, films can allow them to at least begin the long and tiresome process of constructing oneself. I applaud ANY representation that we get considering the damaging history of previous attempts, but actually having a diverse array of media options that explore the complexity of lived trans experiences would be more much beneficial for a young queer personâs development.
*Cox is the executive producer of Disclosure: Trans Lives on Screen, a Netflix powerful documentary that I highly recommend seeing if you have the chance and want to look into this subject further.
The Connection Between Consuming Media and Experiencing Gender Euphoria
Extreme expressions of binary gender are inherently queer.
âTrends change, people change. It's all about details, if you don't pay attention to details your doomed, I mean look at my nails! I went through junior high wearing nothing but pink, now pink makes me puke so I changed, rearranged, see, it's called demented, no seriously the color's called demented.â
I think adopting ânon-canonically queerâ characters as our own is not only important, but completely expected when you look at the state of queer representation in film. Iâd like to argue that the phenomenon of âqueer codingâ is actually really interesting when you consider the overlap that can occur when bad representation and sexist stereotypes in film can become something different depending on who the audience is. We deserve more than the bland, mainstream representation we get, after all, Over-exaggerated expressions of gender truly are the foundations of DRAG after-all, arenât they?
Itâs important to note that not all queer adopted characters are actually queer or even queer coded, but ALL queer coded characters ARE queer, thatâs how writing characters works. Art can often go beyond the intentions of the creator. I think the non-canon vs canon debate has become pointless these days when it comes to internet media discourse. The point I am meaning to make is just that the phenomenon of co-opting traditionally feminine or masculine characters can be extremely liberating
to embrace the levels of camp these caricatures of men and women can be for our gender expression. I also want to note that just because a character IS explicitly queer, doesnât mean that a queer person will relate to them, which can make it frustrating to enjoy these bright, shiny, and NEW
subscription based opportunities for representation. Sometimes when characters are queer coded (with even the actor themselves acknowledging it, but itâs never confirmed) I can understand why that would be extremely invalidating for queer and especially trans viewers.
This âlackluster treatmentâ while constructing queer characters isnât going to stop anytime soon. Time and time again, queer characters will randomly pop up in TV shows and films, only to exist as this pandering representation with cold exteriors, lacking genuine human emotion, itâs almost insulting to call this progress. They do this as a way for corporate executives to pat themselves on the back for their âhard workâ
at the expense of further pushing off funding ACTUALLY queer-centric projects. While I know I can be a bit overcritical at times, I think holding these productions accountable is important, these are the stories that help people live their lives authentically and that shouldnât be taken lightly. At the end of the day, I guess, the only way to separate ourselves from these oftentimes harmful forms of representation is to simply invent our own narratives. I personally believe that most characters exist to be enjoyed
and interpreted
by audiences. If you find yourself relating or even finding comfort in a character â it really doesnât matter* what that character says or does in regards to being queer, what matters is how you feel watching THEM, in all their outrageous glory.
You could call this form of media interpretation simply â fanfiction â â but I think what can be called âThe Trans Gazeâ is a much longer-held tradition and spiritually deeper phenomenon than simply expressing love for a particular piece of media. I think it can be a form of drag to wear these characters like a second skin, that can be incredibly liberating, possibly in ways that traditional âmore palatable for straight audiencesâ representation simply canât.
*There are some exceptions to this, of course, but at the risk of taking too much of your time, I wonât open that can of worms today.
Anyways!
Hereâs a list of 10 films that I personally find very GENDER AFFIRMING*
*in no particular order
The Love Witch (2016) directed by Anna Biller
Natural Born Killers (1994) directed by Oliver Stone
The Lighthouse (2019) directed by Robert Eggers
Earth Girls Are Easy (1988) directed by Julien Temple
Velvet Goldmine (1998) directed by Todd Haynes
Victor/Victoria (1982) directed by Blake Edwards
House of 1000 Corpses (2003) directed by Rob Zombie
The Undeniably Trans Films of the #sadgirl Aesthetic
Portrayals of Tragic Girlhood⢠in film and their connection to the trans experience.
âRuby getâs it. She getâs me. If she were a guy, everything would be perfectâŚâ
Tragic Girlhood⢠can mean many things, to me it means being trans and not knowing how to express your true self, all while being forced to live in a body that isnât your home. Itâs the weight of gendered expectations from your parents. Itâs coming-of-age with this raging sexual repression from antiquated purity culture. Itâs growing and maturing in a body that the world doesnât want to understand. Itâs wanting to be masculine, but being forced into femininity. Itâs wanting to be feminine, but being forced into masculinity. Itâs talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, f*cking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking, dreamingâŚ
My relationship to femininity has always been a tumultuous one, for lack of a better word. I think there will always be this part of me that feels for that teenage girl I once was. The femininity I felt I was supposed to be, this part of me that wishes âsheâ was who I was â This part I want to embrace, despite how terrible expressing it can make me feel. It took me until pretty recently (and itâs definitely still something I struggle with) to realize that I could still express femininity in a way that honors my soul and comes from an authentic placeâŚthat might not look like traditional womanhood to the average person because they donât understand gender queer. I hate that I even feel the need to defend my gender like this, but I donât get many opportunities to write queer manifestos, so this is me taking this moment to say, â âYES! Girly boys are cool!â â
The depictions of this pain, the Lana Del Rey/Electra Heart lyrics, Coquette/Lolita aesthetic, Effy from Skins makeup, cherry wearing underwear on pink satin, hot girl smoking GIFS, my heart is nuclear, 2014 #notprojustusingtags tumblr dashboard of it all, will always
be this problematic and yet still alluring thing that I relate to. I think Iâve always found some strange comfort in it â Maybe because itâs just always feels so inherently trans to me. I mean, I was a brooding, depressed, trans non-binary afab in the closet with an ED at the time, what do you expect? It was THE
content of the time presented to myself and otherâs like me as an escape. No matter how damaging this content is, it found me in a hole and gave me somewhere to put that sadness.
I hope it doesnât seem like I think this sort of content should continue to be made in the manner that is has, but there is certainly something about this pocket-era of films I think are worth revisiting if you have a history with them. I know that, unfortunately, I will probably consistently return to these for the rest of my life even after I hopefully transition one day into the person I want to be. No matter who I become in this lifeâŚ
Iâll always be a #sadgirl at heart âĄ
Without further ado,
Lady Bonerâs #sadgirl Films
a work in progress Masterdoc.pdf
American Beauty (1999) directed by Sam Mendes
The Virgin Suicides (1999) directed by Sofia Coppola
Black Swan (2010) directed by Darren Aronofsky
Prozac Nation (2001) directed by Erik SkjoldbjĂŚrg
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) directed by Michel Gondry
Ginger Snaps (2000) directed by John Fawcett
God Help the Girl (2014) directed by Stuart Murdoch
Under the Skin (2013) directed by Jonathan Glazer
Almost Famous (2000) directed by Cameron Crowe
Girl, Interrupted (1999) directed by James Mangold
Christine F. (1981) directed by Uli Edel
Frances Ha (2012) directed by Noah Baumbach
Daydream Nation (2010) directed by Michael Goldbach
Ginger and Rosa (2012) directed by Sally Potter
Buffalo 66 (1998) directed by Vincent Gallo
Until next time,
Wren â
a.k.a Lady Boner
âTragic Girlhood⢠can mean many things, to me it means being trans and not knowing how to express your true self, all while being forced to live in a body that isnât your home. Itâs the weight of gendered expectations from your parents. Itâs coming-of-age with this raging sexual repression from antiquated purity culture. Itâs growing and maturing in a body that the world doesnât want to understand. Itâs wanting to be masculine, but being forced into femininity. Itâs wanting to be feminine, but being forced into masculinity. Itâs talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, f*cking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking, dreamingâŚâ
I just really need to tell you that this is my favorite and most YOU GET ME paragraph Iâve ever read, holy shit. I laughed out loud when I got to the end. I thank you for giving us such an honest and open (and seriously incredibly written) look into your experiences with your gender identity and I suppose your past, one that I believe many of us, if not completely, can relate to in so many ways.
I loved this <3 So well written and insightful... thank you for sharing your perspectives :) I wish I could comment something more intelligent lol but I'm so sleepy rn </3 Nonetheless, I MUST SAY I love it that you mentioned CULT PODCAST Vagina Slims omg..... literally only REAL ONES remember. I can't believe Lauren had a YouTube too though?! How dreamy.... also you mentioning the marina quote "my heart is nuclear" brought war flashbacks of 2014 tumblr edits to my mind đ